IT may be hard to believe but Meghan Markle and Prince Harry ARE both in London. Sort of.
The real Duchess of Sussex will be staying in Los Angeles while her husband comes to the Coronation on Saturday.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry had a lovely trip around London
But the master puppeteers behind Spitting Image haven’t let that stop them – taking their hilarious versions of the couple on a right royal tour ahead of King Charles‘ big day.
As they prepare to tread the boards each night in Idiots Assemble: Spitting Image The Musical, ‘Harry and Meghan’ give The Celeb Report an exclusive and personal guide to the Coronation.
Westminster Abbey
The royal couple visited Westminster Abbey
Harry: “Westminster Abbey is where Daddy will officially become king.
“It’s home to some insane history, including the wedding of my sad bald brother William to that ice queen (who doesn’t count as a real Queen, Kate).
“I don’t remember much about the wedding because I was in agony, nursing my traumatised todger.
“It had frostbite from one of my expeditions – either that or I’d caught something off that randy horse woman in the field.
“By the way, I totally regret all the endless casual sex I had as a result of being a Prince and the all free drugs I did, even though it was all terribly enjoyable at the time.
“Not every ginger man can pull so I do realise how lucky I am.
“The Our Lady Chapel contains a beautiful font with a stunning carving of a pelican feeding her young, much like the way Mummy fed William and I when we were boys, regurgitating her food and vomiting it into my beak – at least that’s how I remember it and I don’t care what anyone says, that’s my truth.”
Meghan: “Westminster Abbey is disgusting.
“It’s a shrine to medieval hierarchy, patriarchy and all those other words that end in ‘archy’. Except anarchy.
“Plus, it’s boring, there’s not even a green room for agents to network with broadcasters.
“What’s the point of doing a big wedding here if you can’t lobby for it to get a series?
“It’s dark and cold, which is a nightmare for my glam squad. You try getting your lashes on straight while you’re perched on the tomb of Edward the Confessor.
“And there’s way too much echo to do a podcast in this place, it needs some soft furnishings and a nice beige throw over that altar thing.
“What I don’t understand is why only one person gets crowned King when really it should be thrown open to more people from different backgrounds – say, acting.”
Buckingham Palace
Harry and Meghan took a trip to Buckingham Palace
Harry: “Buckingham Palace is where Daddy will be before and after the Coronation, because he lives here.
“Yah, that’s right, it’s his actual home.
“It was Granny’s before, but she carked it. Which means that when Daddy dies, this will be Wills’ home.
“Whereas I’ll get absolutely nothing – apart from the $100million from Netflix and the $16million advance for my book.
“Seriously, free houses are something I’m very passionate about. And why am I punished in this way?
“All because I was born second and ginger – two things that will never change, thanks to the totally unfair way the monarchy is run to make my life terrible.”
The Tower of London, Traitor’s Gate
Next up, the pair visited the Tower of London and saw Traitor’s Gate
Harry: “Back in the old days, there’d be a procession from the Tower of London to Westminster Abbey on Coronation Day.
“That shouldn’t happen this time but I can’t rule out the possibility that I’ll end up in here on May 6.
“By speaking out against toxic royal culture, I’m technically a traitor.
“Even though I’ve only made hundreds of millions of dollars for doing it, they won’t care.
“I attend my Daddy’s coronation in the full knowledge that it could be my last day as a free man. He even joked about doing it.
“‘You’ll end up in the effing Tower if you carry on like this,’ he said.
“Bit harsh, I was only seven.
“The Tower of London was built almost a thousand years ago and they didn’t put in a bedroom with en-suite for me, which just goes to show how the whole system is weighted against me.
“I mean, maybe if William the Conqueror had read my book he’d have made sure there was a decent bachelor pad on the top floor. “
Meghan: “Harry is convinced that they’re going to lock him up in the Tower.
“I keep reassuring him that they won’t but that if they do, he’s not to worry because I’ll be able to quickly move on and get me some real ass like John Hamm, or Chris Hemsworth, or Ryan Reynolds, or Ryan Gosling, or Channing Tatum, or George Clooney, or Chris Pine, or any number of red hot Hollywood men who’ve all asked for my number.
“I mean, anything would be an upgrade. I’ve been slumming it truth be told.”
Mahiki
Meghan didn’t like Harry talking about his Mahiki days
Harry: “If things were different – and they’re not – me and Wills would be partying at Mahiki after the ceremony.
“We’d be in a booth, toasting the King with a big bottle of Grey Goose.
“Celebrities like Rio Ferdinand would be hanging on our every word and there’d be hot blonde posh girls wanting to dance with me.
“They’d be laughing at my jokes and trying to get my jeans off, it would be the best thing ever.
“But I’m glad I’m not living like that.
“Despite what I said, it actually sounds awful. Doesn’t it? I think it does. I mean, I have to tell myself it does otherwise… what am I doing with my life?”
Meghan: “Harry Windsor. Snap out of it.
“Talk about blonde chicks again and I’ll cut your balls off.”
Harry: “Sorry Megs, love you babes.”
The Mall
Harry and Meghan got their flags out at The Mall
Harry: “When I look at the Mall, and all the flags, and the crowds, and hear the cheering, and hear the national anthem, I think ‘Why not me?'”
Meghan: “I think it’s a bit over the top.
“And why are they cheering? It’s not like it’s the Golden Globes.
“If Coronations were really popular they’d do them more often.”
Windsor Castle
Meghan: “Windsor Castle is handy for the airport, I’ll say that.”
Harry: “I think of all the castles I’ve lived in, it’s probably the biggest.
“But, with those thick walls, the Wi-Fi is terrible!”
