Everything you need to know about the new Barbie film, from show secrets to surprising Brit cameos – and why it may flop

THERE hasn’t been a pre-promote like it for years.

Every day, the beautiful Margot Robbie became a human mannequin and dutifully donned doll-inspired dresses on the red carpet to make sure the world was talking about Barbie.

Sadly, no amount of clever marketing can help this hot-pink mess of a movie.

The chaotic story, directed by Greta Gerwig, starts in Barbieland, a slightly unnerving, sickly sweet Utopia where Barbies of all different shapes and sizes rule the world.

As the narrator, Dame Helen Mirren, explains: “Barbie has her own money, house and career . . .  Thanks to Barbie, all the problems with feminism have been solved.”

Robbie plays “stereo-typical” Barbie. You know, the one you always imagine when you think of Barbie. She’s blonde, bronzed and beautiful.

Her life is practically perfect in every way, with glittery parties and dance routines with her fellow dolls in her Dreamhouse and absolutely no sexual connection to Ken (Ryan Gosling), who is lovelorn.

That is until the person playing with her in the “real world” has dark thoughts that channel through to her vacuous brain.

While disco dancing in sequins, Barbie suddenly blurts out: “Do you ever think about dying?”

Her plastic-fantastic world comes crashing down even further when her tip-toe feet go flat and she has a small patch of cellulite on her thigh.

So in a bid to set herself free from any bleak brainwaves or inconvenient unattractiveness, Barbie jumps in her pink convertible, along with Ken and her rollerblades, to visit the real world and speak to the person who is playing with her.

This is where the film could have really kicked in as a classic comedy.

The well-trodden path of suddenly stepping into an unknown world — think Elf or Crocodile Dundee — can really work when written well.

But after a few pervy insults from strangers to Barbie, and Ken discovering the “patriarchy” — a word so overused in the script it will make you want to bite your fist — Barbie is soon running around the offices of Mattel toy company with its CEO, played by Will Ferrell, and trying to juggle reversing sexism.

What follows is a hamster wheel of relentless identity crises, musical numbers, tears, tantrums, bland feminist speeches, questionable acting from the huge cast and Ken suddenly turning into a deranged ex-boyfriend.

The final “joke” is so eye-rollingly bad it left me grateful I always played with Sindy dolls.

Here, we look at why Barbie’s big-screen world is less than perfect . . .

Can’t-miss-it marketing 

WHETHER you’re excited about the Barbie movie or sick of it already, one thing is for certain, you won’t have been able to escape the hype.

The movie has a reported $100million (£77million) marketing budget, with a strategy that has been years in the making.

Stars Margot and Ryan have been on a round-the-world charm offensive to promote it, complete with replica Barbie looks for Margot to wear on the red carpet.

While the plot has, until now, been a closely guarded secret, pink billboards – which only contain the film’s release date – have appeared in cities around the world.

And there have been a number of stunts, from a pink Barbie Dreamhouse in Malibu available to rent on Airbnb to Barbican Tube station in London being renamed Barbiecan, that have guaranteed it press attention.

It has also inspired a Barbie-core fashion trend, with Valentino launching a Pink PP Collection and celebrities including Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox and the Duchess of Cambridge embracing the pretty in pink wardrobe explosion.

Meanwhile, Barbie manufacturer Mattel has signed a host of lucrative licensing tie-ins, from shoes to clothing collections and even Barbie Xbox controllers.

But Barbie’s dominance is most apparent on social media, where a number of clips and memes have been shared feverishly.

The filmmakers also cleverly devised social media posters that users could personalise with themselves as the Barbie.

Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameos

DUA LIPA is one of the big-name cameos on Barbie but you have to keep your eyes peeled to not miss it.

She plays a Mermaid Barbie, replete with blue wig, and inexplicably has an American accent – odd, given producers are happy to let the narrator, Helen Mirren, keep her English one.

Former wrestling legend John Cena emerges from the sea with golden locks as a Kenmaid.

Gavin and Stacey star Rob Brydon also appears for an excruciating micro-turn as Sugar Daddy Ken.

Even he admits it’s a short stint, saying: “When you go to see this amazing film please don’t blink.”

Child-unfriendly

PARENTS and Barbie fans across the land will be wondering whether this film is suitable for the little ones.

They may be a bit disappointed. With a 12A certificate, it is not generally suitable for under-12s, though an adult can take them to see it.

Certainly, many of the classic toys are represented – the dolls, the Dreamhouse and Barbie’s pink Corvette.

But the general “smash the patriarchy” tone of the film and talk of “genitals” is likely to baffle younger minds.

My Little Pony: The Movie, this ain’t.

Woke-up call

OF course Barbie producers have taken a generous glug from the Goblet of Woke, especially since the doll has long faced accusations that it sets impossible standards for women.

Director Greta Gerwig sets out to turn that stereotype on its head, by giving Barbie a feminist makeover.

Not a bad aim, but the problem is the execution, which is about as subtle as the bright-pink palette that drenches this movie.

There’s a trans actress, Hari Nef, playing Doctor Barbie and more right-on feminist soap-box hectoring than is strictly necessary.

America Ferrera’s character hardly wastes a scene decrying “the patriarchy” with one rant that never seems to end.

There’s nothing wrong with a message that champions women and their right to be ordinary, but the movie abandons the “show don’t tell” approach for relentless browbeating instead.

It looks pink-credible

THE jokes might fall flat and the plot may be confusing but there is no denying that this is one seriously good-looking film.

From the faithfully reproduced costumes to the plastic-fantastic Dreamhouse, it is a feast for the eyes.

Margot, who first appears on screen as a 10ft-high glamazon in a striped swimsuit and red lipstick, is in bombshell movie star mode.

Then there is the pink. The set required so much pink paint during construction that it wiped out an entire company’s global supply.

Movie director Greta Gerwig said: “I wanted the pinks to be very bright and everything to be almost too much,” adding that she didn’t want to, “forget what made me love Barbie when I was a little girl”.

In-your-face product placement

NO surprise that a big Hollywood film would be stacked with product placement but in Barbie it is so clunky it is like being whacked round the head with a brochure.

General Motors are all over it, with the Chevy Blazer electric vehicle hogging the screen so long you’d think you were watching a commercial for it.

But the real crime here is not the naked commercialism that Barbie’s car, a Chevy Corvette is also owned by GM, but the fact a lame car chase scene is shoehorned in for no other apparent reason than to show off the Chevy.

Chanel also gets a big moment, with one scene seeing Margot Robbie wearing heavily branded jewellery and a handbag.

And, of course, there’s lots of Mattel, which literally has a starring role.

It will be cashing in with a huge range of Barbie Movie merchandise, including a pink Corvette convertible at £135, and a range of dolls, including a plastic version of Issa Rae’s President Barbie, at £67 each.

Is it a musical or not?

THE film has a few musical numbers, including a disco scene featuring a dance-music-by-numbers track called Dance The Night from Dua Lipa.

The soundtrack is produced by Mark Ronson and includes tracks by Tame Impala and Nicki Minaj.

But if you’re hoping Barbie is a musical you’ll have to wait until near the end, when the action gets incredibly surreal and Ryan channels his inner La La Land for a big Ken number.

Best musical moment is The Indigo Girls’ Closer To Fine, played as the characters drive from Barbieland to the Real World and back.