WE all know Meghan and Harry are privacy-loving, carbon footprint-conscious philanthropists.
They serve legal letters to safeguard said privacy like school dinner ladies dishing out Turkey Twizzlers, and hop on private jets purely because it gets them to jolly charity bashes quicker.
So then, with the “updated chapter” of their unofficial biography out today — which they absolutely, categorically, 100 per cent did not write, contribute to, or endorse in any way, shape or form — it’s incumbent upon us all to respect their wishes, and not buy the thing.
H&M, if you’re reading: You’re welcome. And to the rest of you, that’s £2.99 saved — or £14.02 if you were planning, gamely, on ploughing through the hardback.
The couple who must hate the “racist” Royal Family so much they will surely soon ditch those silly, antiquated titles of Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have increasingly distanced themselves from the tome.
The fact that Finding Freedom Part Two is being released on the 24th anniversary of Princess Diana’s death is, obviously, unfortunate.
For a couple so trigger happy with their lawyers — generously keeping sweet, £500-an-hour, fluffy bunny firm Schillings in business (lawyers who, coincidentally, also look after billionaire bully Sir Philip Green and Ryan Giggs, a man accused of headbutting his ex, which he denies) — it’s baffling they haven’t intervened to injunct this latest, entirely made-up chapter.
Or, indeed, cut off their one-time good pal, Omid Scobie, who co-authored this rip-roaring romp. (One which, weirdly, has failed to make it into Amazon’s Top 100 Books of 2020.)
In it, authors Omid (who used to work for showbiz mag Heat — famed for its “Circle of shame”, highlighting women’s cellulite) and royal writer Carolyn Durand, will share new details of the couple’s on-going “journey”.
It will address their “heartbreak” at Prince Philip’s death, the continuing “challenges the couple face regarding privacy and the British Press”, and “the various philanthropic and business endeavours The Sussexes have been involved with”.
Read our Meghan and Harry live blog for the latest updates
In its first five days, the original Finding Freedom sold 31,000 copies. By comparison, E. L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey sequel sold more than 750,000.
Arguably both were works of fiction — albeit, one with a bit more shagging and handcuffs.
In some ways, I feel bad for continuing to write about the couple.
A pair so desperate to stay under the radar, they did an interview with Oprah, the world’s most famous chat show host.
A duo so desperate for a quiet life, they recorded never-ending podcasts from their £11million Californian mansion.
Two people so desperate to fade into obscurity, they signed a £112milion deal with Netflix.
And then a subsequent deal with Spotify, the planet’s biggest music behemoth, to ensure those short of sight could, at least, still hear them.
But perhaps now we know why.
This weekend, an award-winning documentary maker, with ties to the Royal Family, claimed Harry and Meghan risk fading into obscurity.
Nick Bullen, CEO of True Royalty TV, drew comparisons between Harry and his great-great-uncle, Edward VIII, who abdicated in 1936, and went on to pen a tell-all autobiography years later.
After all, privacy-loving Harry recently announced — without a trace of irony — that he was “writing” a tell-all memoir. (No one, I’m sure, more shocked than his English teacher at £40k-a-year Eton.)
To his credit, though, some of the proceeds are going to charity . . . we just don’t know how much of the proceeds.
Bullen claimed that while Prince Harry and the former Suits star remain high-value commodities in the fickle showbiz world, they could become “awkward guests at dinner parties” in ten years’ time.
Or sooner, if Barack Obama’s recent 60th birthday snub is anything to go by.
I admire much of the Sussexes’ various mission statements — celebrating diversity, ending global poverty and saving the planet — but they’re not exactly going about it flawlessly.
They preach about poverty from a 16-bathroomed mansion, while Harry hops on to a private jet to play polo, the world’s most elitist sport, at a charity match.
Of course, why shouldn’t Harry and Meghan bring up their kids, whom they clearly adore, in sunnier climes, away from chintz furniture, s**tting corgis and patriarchal systems?
But guys, if you want out, stay out. And shut up.
