“HELLO Piers, how’s my rhino?” asked Britain’s next queen, Camilla Parker-Bowles, the last time we met a few weeks ago.
“I hope you’re still taking good care of it?”
“I am, Ma’am,” I chuckled. “It’s still hanging proudly on my loo wall!’”
The Duchess of Cornwall is a keen amateur painter but has only ever sold one of her pictures, a watercolour of a large rhinoceros in the African bush which I bought at a charity auction in 2002 when I was editor of the Daily Mirror and stuck up in my office.
“Charles and I used to see it behind your head when you did interviews, and we were always completely horrified!” she told me, years later.
Now the royal rhino resides in my own private throne-room, and in many ways perfectly symbolises Camilla’s own character.
After all, rhinos are intelligent animals known for their very thick skin, stamina, resilience, hard work ethic and strong, versatile, protective personalities.
Where they differ from Camilla is how they handle unusual situations.
If a rhino feels uncomfortable, it will immediately attack.
Camilla’s made of calmer stock.
Several years ago, I was invited to a star-studded Christmas lunch at Fortnum and Mason.
I sat opposite an immaculately regal-attired Camilla, and to her left sat Chris Evans, who unlike the rest of the suited-and-booted gathering was in casual clothes and draped in a massive quantity of colourful festive tinsel that he wore throughout the meal and which, in typically British manner, nobody mentioned.
“Your Royal Highness,” I eventually asked, “I have to address the elephant in the room – is this the first time you’ve ever been sat next to someone dressed as a gigantic purple Christmas tree and are you as disconcerted by it as I am?”
All eyes, including Dame Judi Dench, Stephen Fry, Paul O’Grady and Dame Joanna Lumley, and a smirking Evans, turned to the Duchess.
“Good Lord no!” she guffawed, “this is very tame.”
Her amused reaction – I can think of a few snobbish royals who’d have got very snotty about such sartorial effrontery – said everything you need to know about the woman just formally endorsed by the Queen as the next person to hold that historic title when Prince Charles becomes King.
I’ve known Camilla for over 20 years, and we’ve always got on oddly well which may be down to the fact that we grew up in next door East Sussex villages – she in Plumpton, me in Newick just a mile down the road – and of course, we’re both massively misunderstood and unfairly maligned public figures!
Actually, in her case, that’s true.
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The real Camilla’s a smart, warm, incredibly down-to-earth, and gregarious person who’s not only terrific company but can make you laugh out loud with her dry dead-pan wit.
At a pre-pandemic 2019 dinner in her honour thrown by the then US Ambassador Woody Johnson, she said to my wife Celia: “I hear you’ve got a novel coming out?”
“I have!” replied Celia, slightly startled that our future Queen Consort, who she’d never met, would know about her book. (The royals are always so skilfully briefed about people they are likely to encounter at such events)
“What’s it about?” asked Camilla.
“A badly behaved man who gets a grisly come-uppance,” said Celia.
Camilla glanced back to me. “Oh, that sounds… EXCELLENT! Can’t imagine where you got that idea?”
I was seated next to her over dinner, and we had a fascinating conversation about everything from Donald Trump and Brexit to trophy-hunting and the perils of social media.
She was well-informed, surprisingly opinionated (but only once she’d established it was all strictly off-the-record), and great fun.
SMART AND DOWN-TO-EARTH
Then Ambassador Johnson stood up and announced: “Right, time for some surprise entertainment.”
Camilla began to rise, too.
“Are you performing for us, Your Royal Highness?” I exclaimed excitedly.
“Yes, Piers,” she replied, “I’m going to do some ballet for you. It’s been a while so please forgive me as I may be a little rusty.”
“WHAT?? REALLY????”
“No, Piers.”
The late, great Queen Mother once described the art of being a popular royal as “Never complain, never explain, and rarely be heard speaking in public.”
Nobody other than the Queen better epitomises this philosophy than Camilla who’s been subjected to more abuse, ridicule, and savage media criticism than any other member of the Royal Family following all the fall-out from her affair with Charles, yet who has never once publicly responded to it.
Unlike the pathetically self-serving Duke and Duchess of Sussex, who endlessly whine, sue, trash their families, play the victim, and fleece their royal titles for crude commercial gain, Camilla’s risen above the often viciously unfair fray with a grace and dignity, and a keen understanding of royal duty, that says so much about her character.
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And by doing so, her reputation has soared not just with the Queen but with the British people.
She also has that great gift all successful public figures need: practicality.
My sister Charlotte used to regularly host top royals during the time her colonel husband Patrick ran training at Sandhurst Military Academy when Princes William and Harry were cadets.
She said Camilla was always an absolute delight – “so friendly, easy and ‘normal’” – and full of great advice.
“She recommended using weights in skirts when performing in public on windy days to stop an unfortunate underwear exposure incident occurring… and she introduced us to King’s Ginger Liqueur which is now a family favourite.”
At our last lunch meeting in December, Camilla said she’d been “thoroughly enjoying” my book Wake Up about the insane woke world we now endure – I’d sent her a copy, knowing she finds it all as absurd as I do – and demanded to know when I’d be back on television.
“Aww, do you miss me, Ma’am?” I laughed.
“I miss your dust-ups with the politicians,” she chuckled. “I used to get up especially early to watch them.”
Well, as I explained to Camilla, she won’t have to wait much longer – my new global show launches in a few weeks – and I’ll now be slapping ‘By Royal Appointment Viewing’ on the opening titles.
I texted her son Tom, a long-time friend, when I heard the news of the Queen’s statement.
“What a wonderful moment for your mother,” I wrote, “absolutely thrilled for her. She thoroughly deserves this, please pass on my sincere congratulations.”
“Of course, I will,” he replied, “You’ve been a supporter since the very start, and I know how much she has always appreciated that.”
I have, and the reason is because Camilla’s a class act.
(She sent me a lovely hand-written note last year when she heard my parents both suffered rough bouts of Covid, asking me to pass on my good wishes from her for a speedy recovery.)
And the fact Her Majesty the Queen now thinks she is the right person to perform the same Monarch consort role for Charles that Prince Philip did for her for so long, is good enough for me.
I can’t think of a single other woman in the world better suited, or more suitably experienced, to do such an incredibly difficult job.
