KATIE Thurston would not have gotten a rose from audience members following her first attempt at standup comedy on October 22.
The former Bachelorette, 39, opened for Whitney Cummings in Anaheim, California on Friday, but failed to solicit many laughs. She performed for 10 excruciating minutes, referring throughout to a piece of paper with jokes written on it, according to a source in attendance.
Known for her sex positive attitude, Katie tried to deliver a raunchy set filled with jokes about sex and masturbation.
At one point she questioned: “Anyone else masturbating a lot more than they used to? While working from home?
“I’ll be on a conference call for my job and no one will know I’m using a vibrator. Yeah, I masturbate on the clock where i’m getting paid for it — that’s the closest I’ll become to being a port star.”
The joke fell on deaf ears, however. Katie was keenly aware of how poorly her set was being received, repeatedly making comments like, “Oh, thanks to the one person who gets it” and “Someone please take me off this f**king stage.”
After oversharing about her masturbation habits, Katie told a few shorter jokes that elicited about the same response from the crowd. It was at that point that she said: “I want to get off this stage so f**king badly right now.”
Katie continued: “This is my last story because I want off this f**king stage.”
An audience member, at one point, shouted back: “Please do!”
ROYAL FLUSH
Katie closed out her set with some serious potty humor, joking about a time she “s**t herself” at a bank while on the keto diet.
She told the audience: “I run to the bathroom and pull down my dress and underwear and sure enough, it’s a completely full hammock full of f**king s**t.
“A pure diaper of refried beans. It’s so gross and completely everywhere and it got all over my hand.
“So I’m standing up and literally flicking my own s**t from my thong and my hand on the wall in the public restroom.”
Although it appeared nothing, from masturbation to toilet troubles, was off limits, Katie did not share any jokes about fiancée Blake Moynes, who was not. in attendance at the show.
‘I DID IT’
Despite the show being a flop, Katie shared excitedly about the show on her social media account. She even posted video of a portion of her set.
It appeared, based on the clip, that Katie was making a joke about using the restroom while on the clock. She could be heard saying: “And here’s the other thing: The people who are like, ‘Oh, I don’t want to s**t until I get home.’
“F**k that. If you’re gonna get paid to s**t, you s**t every day. Thank you. You can f**king pay me to poop.”
She also posted a video of herself saying, “I did it,” to the camera.
A friend who attended the show posted a clip of Katie chatting with people after the show. Over the video, her friend wrote, “@thekatiethurston tonight was epic. So proud of you.”
LONG DISTANCE LOVE
Although Blake wasn’t at Katie’s show, he was supporting her from afar. The Canada native, who has been rescuing rhinos in Africa since earlier this month, shared a sweet message about Katie’s standup debut.
“The face you make when you realize your fiancé has bigger balls than you! 
,” he wrote on Instagram earlier this week. “S**t, I thought crashing a group date gave me then … I don’t think I could ever even attempt stand up comedy. Super proud and excited for you @thekatiethurston !”
Katie and Blake have been navigating long distance since they got engaged during the final episode of season 25 of The Bachelorette.
Speaking with Us Weekly about their unconventional romance, Katie said: “We’re figuring it out.
“We don’t know. This is very new to us still.
“I’m just focusing on myself, he’s focusing on him, and if we work doing that, great.”
When he’s not in Africa for work, Blake is based in Canada. Katie is from Washington, but now lives in California. Although they’re in no rush right now, Katie told Us Weekly she’s excited about the pair settling down “eventually.”
ROCKY ROAD
Katie has been open with fans about the challenges she and Blake have faced, many of which are beyond their control.
In August, the reality star shared in an Instagram Story video: “I don’t think people fully understand what it’s like to date someone from another country and the rules behind that and the visas behind that.
“I think right now Blake can only be here for 60 days before having to go back to Canada, so we really do have a lot we have to look into — and we just haven’t yet — before we can plan really anything else.”
Blake arrived late on season 25 of The Bachelorette, but wound up winning Katie’s heart in the end. The pair got engaged in the finale, but haven’t shared any details about their impending nuptials.
