Barbie
(12A) 114 mins
★★☆☆☆
THERE hasn’t been a pre-promote like it for years.
Every day, the beautiful Margot Robbie became a human mannequin and dutifully donned doll-inspired dresses on the red carpet to make sure the world was talking about Barbie.
Greta Gerwig’s Barbie could be the most promoted movie of all-time
In the movie, Barbie jumps in her pink convertible with Ken to visit the real world and speak to the troubled person who is playing with her
Sadly, no amount of clever marketing can help this hot-pink mess of a movie.
The chaotic story, directed by Greta Gerwig, starts in Barbieland, a slightly unnerving, sickly sweet Utopia where Barbies of all different shapes and sizes rule the world.
As the narrator, Dame Helen Mirren, explains: “Barbie has her own money, house and career . . . Thanks to Barbie, all the problems with feminism have been solved.”
Robbie plays “stereotypical” Barbie.
You know, the one you always imagine when you think of Barbie.
She’s blonde, bronzed and beautiful.
Her life is practically perfect in every way, with glittery parties and dance routines with her fellow dolls in her Dreamhouse and absolutely no sexual connection to Ken (Ryan Gosling), who is lovelorn.
That is until the person playing with her in the “real world” has dark thoughts that channel through to her vacuous brain.
While disco dancing in sequins, Barbie suddenly blurts out: “Do you ever think about dying?”
Her plastic-fantastic world comes crashing down even further when her tip-toe feet go flat and she has a small patch of cellulite on her thigh.
So in a bid to set herself free from any bleak brainwaves or inconvenient unattractiveness, Barbie jumps in her pink convertible, along with Ken and her rollerblades, to visit the real world and speak to the person who is playing with her.
This is where the film could have really kicked in as a classic comedy.
The well-trodden path of suddenly stepping into an unknown world — think Elf or Crocodile Dundee — can really work when written well.
But after a few pervy insults from strangers to Barbie, and Ken discovering the “patriarchy” — a word so overused in the script it will make you want to bite your fist — Barbie is soon running around the offices of Mattel toy company with its CEO, played by Will Ferrell, and trying to juggle reversing sexism.
What follows is a hamster wheel of relentless identity crises, musical numbers, tears, tantrums, bland feminist speeches, questionable acting from the huge cast and Ken suddenly turning into a deranged ex-boyfriend.
The final “joke” is so eye-rollingly bad it left me grateful I always played with Sindy dolls.
The Barbie Movie is punctuated with tears, tantrums, bland feminist speeches and topped off with a final ‘joke’ that is eye-rollingly cringey
