MARRY ME
(12A) 112mins
★★★☆☆
JENNIFER LOPEZ has complained that Hollywood doesn’t take her seriously.
Hmm, perhaps taking on slightly more challenging acting roles than she does in this rom-com might help to change that.
The three-times married superstar singer plays four-times married superstar singer Kat Valdez.
Just as she is about to get hitched again, Kat sees news reports that the “love of her life” has been unfaithful and calls off the nuptials.
If this isn’t ringing non-wedding bells, it is uncannily like what happened with J-Lo the first time she dated Ben Affleck.
So, the role is about as much of a stretch for the yoga-loving star as touching her toes.
Thankfully, for anyone watching Marry Me it’s a plus point because Lopez is very convincing.
Rom-com cliches
It’s entirely believable that Kat doesn’t know how to use the smoothie mixer she promotes on social media and has a lot of hangers-on.
Although, whenever someone calls her character “Kat” it’s hard not to think, “Who are they talking about? I thought that was Jennifer.”
Where the storyline quickly diverts from the actress’s personal reality is when she decides to get hitched to a stranger at a concert.
That “regular guy” is divorced, single dad teacher Charlie Gilbert, played by Owen Wilson. He is considerably less convincing in his role — none of my teachers ever looked or acted like him.
They didn’t have boyband hair that was never out of place and they certainly never made algebra fun.
What Marry Me gets right is acknowledging the implausibility of Charlie and Kat becoming a couple.
Kat’s likeable manager, played by Game Of Thrones actor John Bradley, says it’s “nuts”. This is a classic fish-out-of-water tale where Charlie raises the laughs by not knowing any of the showbiz rules.
Wilson and Lopez deserve credit for developing just enough on-screen chemistry to make the romance work. The actress, though, surely can’t imagine that such a cheesy movie will win her many plaudits.
It contains all the rom-com cliches, including the post-break-up sequence of Charlie trudging alone through the city with his best pal telling him some home truths.
If you want a Valentine’s weekend film with an airport dash — including a “there are no seats left on this flight” moment — you may as well say I Do to Marry Me.
Grant Rollings
DEATH ON THE NILE
(12A) 127mins
★☆☆☆☆
SOMETIMES, a film should just be allowed to die.
Originally meant for release in December 2020, this adaptation of Agatha Christie’s superb whodunnit has been dogged by controversy.
This has included multiple allegations of sexual abuse against leading man, Armie Hammer – something he denies – and its leading woman, Gal Gadot, facing a backlash for comments on the Israel-Palestine conflict.
Now finally out, the film sees Sir Kenneth Branagh reprise his role as Hercule Poirot after 2017’s Murder On The Orient Express.
In 1937 London, the detective is watching couple Simon Doyle (Hammer) and Jacqueline de Bellefort (Emma Mackey) dancing in a jazz club. Then Jacqueline’s best friend, multi-millionaire Linnet Ridgeway (Gadot) arrives. Within weeks Linnet and Simon are hitched and on a honeymoon cruise on the Nile, joined by friends including new pal Poirot. But jealous Jacqueline is following them.
After an hour of painfully slow character introductions the first murder seems well overdue. Plus, there’s terrible CGI, ridiculous dialogue and wooden acting.
Even Branagh is all over the place, portraying Poirot as both a weepy softy and screaming maniac.
This great mystery story has been murdered.
UNCHARTED
(12A) 116mins
★★☆☆☆
PIECE the ancient clues together to find the treasure before the bad guys is the not especially original premise for fortune hunters Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) and Victor “Sully” Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg).
In present-day New York bartender Nate is sought out by Sully to embark on the adventure.
Nate’s long-lost brother Sam left behind a series of clues and leads to the whereabouts of the shipwreck containing the pot of gold.
Whizzing around the globe on an Indiana Jones- style trail, our slightly shady but lovable looters team up with Chloe (Sophia Ali).
But hot on their heels in the race to find the hidden booty are villains Monncada (Antonio Banderas) and his snarling sidekick Braddock (Tati Gabrielle). Based on the best-selling PlayStation game, the film remains a rudimental complete the levels”, and not much more is asked of anyone.
Holland – fresh from his Spider-Man exploits – is funny and charismatic as Nate, Banderas snarls on command and Wahlberg’s Sully doesn’t have much to do except yell frantically through drains and call Nate “Kid” a lot.
Fortunately, Uncharted doesn’t take itself too seriously, but the non-stop action feels at half-mast.
