LOVE Island will come to a conclusion, on Monday, with about as much sexual chemistry as the next autopsy on 24 Hours In Police Custody, if it follows the pattern of this dreadful, overplayed, clapped-out series.
Nearly two months they’ve been in that villa, bitching, backstabbing and telling each other “it is what it is”, and I still haven’t seen a hint of a flicker of a spark of anything beyond the self-love that clearly consumes boys like Tyrique, Zach, Sammy and Mitchel.
Love Island’s Jess who has been in a relationship with Sammy
To watch one episode of them in action is torture enough. To watch every single one (plus the winter series), as I have done, is to crave the asteroid strike that planet Earth surely has coming.
I hope, then, that you’ll understand why I feel the need to release my frustrations, via the annual Love Island quiz.
Answers are printed below, but if you can’t guess most of them, I’d suggest you apply to go on next year’s show.
Ruchee was booted out of the villa after she struggled to find a connection
1. WHO were the first two people to enter the villa?
A) Mitchel and Mehdi.
B) Jess and Ruchee.
C) George’s carers.
2. ABI’S hands-off “companion” Scott van-der-Sluis plays for which European football team?
A) Ajax.
B) Real Madrid.
C) Shamrock Rovers.
3. WHAT reaction did Jess receive when she asked: “Does anyone fancy George?” on day one?
A) Frenzied shouts of “I do”.
B) Half a dozen raised hands.
C) Derisive laughter from Ruchee.
4. CAN you fill in the missing word or words from this sentence? Kady: “Maybe I’m too much of a . . . for Zach.”
A) Mekon.
B) Pain in the arse.
C) Deep thinker.
5. WHAT two things did railway worker Mehdi claim made “girls fall for me easily”?
A) His railcard and cheap saver returns.
B) His personality and aftershave.
C) His taser gun and trip wire.
6. COMPLETE Scott’s sentence: “As soon as I make eye contact with a girl . . . ”
A) “It’s game over.”
B) “They call a helpline.”
C) “They order five Flaming Sambucas and a Bacardi Breezer.”
7. WHAT dog-like quality did Leah ascribe to Lochan?
A) The energy of a golden retriever.
B) The sex drive of a King Charles spaniel.
C) The ball-licking flexibility of a Norwegian Lundehund.
8. HOW did Tyrique finish this romantic eulogy to Ella. “I love the way . . . ”
A) “You’re built like a KP’s Nik Nak.”
B) “You smell like Wotsits.”
C) “You have the welcoming gape of a Monster Munch.”
Rita Ora performed for the Islanders on the show
9. WHAT did singer Rita Ora very noticeably keep between herself and the Love Islanders when she performed for them?
A) A swimming pool.
B) Perspex shields and an electric cattle prod.
C) Heavily armed snipers and a minefield.
10. WHAT special gift or talent did Catherine claim to have when she entered the villa?
A) An orange belt in Taekwondo.
B) She’s psychic.
C) She’s a trained blacksmith.
11. HOW did Catherine react when she was voted off the island on day 38?
A) She knocked out Maya Jama with a reverse side kick and started flinging her own dung around the firepit.
B) She yelped: “Oh my God, this isn’t real. This doesn’t make sense,” and began sobbing uncontrollably.
C) Calmly. She’d already packed, on account of being psychic.
12. CASA Amor’s Zachary boasted, “I’m out six nights a week, different girl every night”. So how many girls fell for him during his six-night stay on the show?
A) Six.
B) Five.
C) Absolutely none.
13. COMPLETE Zach’s sentence. “How different would life be if insects were the size of . . . ”
A) Tyrique’s ego.
B) Labradors.
C) George’s arse.
14. WHAT food dish did George compare himself to in week one?
A) Lasagne, on account of him being multi-layered.
B) Grilled sea bass, on account of him having a memory capacity of seven seconds.
C) Chilli-stuffed dough balls, on account of him being thick as mince.
15. OVER two recklessly long 2023 series, how many episodes of Love Island, in total, will ITV2 have broadcast by the time Monday night’s final concludes?
A) 102.
B) 115.
C) 120.
- Answer at the bottom of the page.
WOMEN’S World Cup. Clarification required Re: Alex Scott: “Because of high testosterone levels, Zambia’s Barbra Banda has to play in China.”
Longdong?
Olivia Attwood on Getting Filthy Rich
Or another team in the Xiangxiang area?
GETTING Filthy Rich, Olivia Attwood (above): “Of all the sex work, stripping is the one I could turn my hand to most.”
Yes, but is she ready for the step up from ITVX?
AND on Friday, The Last Leg segued straight into an ad break with Anusol suppositories: “Itchy, sore pains in the posterior. Sound familiar?”
Familiar? It’s bloody seamless.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING Point –Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “According to the title of the popular nursery rhyme, there were ten fat varieties of what pork product sizzling in the pan?”
Dion Dublin: “Pig.”
The Chase – Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “What predatory fish is fermented to make the Icelandic dish Hakarl?”
Jonathan Ross: “Herring.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shep-hard: “The Bavarian mountain hound is a breed of which domesticated animal?” Jay: “Cat.”
Ben Shephard: “In 2017 the TV series The Marvelous Mrs Maisel was released on the streaming service of which online retailer?” Eileen: “Greggs.”
“. . . Amazon.”
TV Gold
ALAN LITTLE’S beautiful BBC News tribute to his friend and colleague George Alagiah.
BBC2 providing a balm for the soul with its Grand Tours of Scotland’s Lochs.
Timothy Spall in BBC1’s astonishing four-part drama The Sixth Commandment
Sky Atlantic repeating the brilliant Winning Time: The Rise Of The Lakers Dynasty, just in time for the arrival of series two next month.
And BBC1’s astonishing four-part drama The Sixth Commandment which could all too easily have fallen into the trap of mocking the Christianity that was central to the case.
The fact writer Sarah Phelps resisted this temptation was, along with the breathtaking performances of Tim Spall, and Eanna Hardwicke, as victim and killer, the main reason it’s the best domestic drama of 2023 so far.
Random TV irritations
CHANNEL 4 sending Guy Martin to be waterboarded in Colombia when it had finally found the ideal format for Joe Lycett.
BBC1’s genealogy show descending into Who Do You Think Cares? territory.
Channel 4 sent Guy Martin to be waterboarded in Colombia
Egomaniac Love Island contestant Mitch referring to himself, without any apparent irony, as “the king”.
ITV commentator Pien Meulensteen continuing to insist, “the world is watching” the women’s World Cup, when it’s getting clobbered by Bargain Hunt.
And an advert which tells me: “Nurofen is committed to closing the gender pay gap.” Because I just want them to get rid of my headache, not give me another one.
INCIDENTALLY, if you binged The Sixth Commandment, you should watch Catching A Killer: Diary From The Grave, on More 4, where they fill in all the gaps of the real-life police operation and the officers behind it, which was, I felt, the only thing really lacking from this outstanding BBC1 drama.
Spoof’s a meaty misfire
ON Monday night, Channel 4 nonplussed viewers with an Inside The Factory spoof called Gregg Wallace: The British Miracle Meat, where they were asked to believe Brexit and the Tories had forced the country to cannibalise children to survive the cost-of-living crisis.
Mighty pleased with itself the half hour mockumentary was too, revelling in its literary allusions to Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal and the bog-standard political agenda which Wallace embraced with the desperation of a man who knows BBC2 isn’t ever inviting him back to the Heinz production line in Wigan.
The MasterChef star on Channel 4’s Gregg Wallace: The British Miracle Meat
I haven’t the slightest doubt then that Channel 4 and the writer Matt Edmonds thought the baffled silence that accompanied and followed The British Miracle Meat was down to the unflinching power and brilliance of their satire.
In truth, though, it probably just boiled down to the fact the show wasn’t remotely funny and a problem that, while it isn’t anything like as dark as the idea of engineered human meat, is all too real and overwhelming.
Television comedy is dead and it was killed by its own monstrous, right-on self-importance.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Cooking With The Stars, Claire Richards: “I don’t think there would be anything worse than choking Rosemary Shrager to death.” (You say that . . .)
Love Island, Whitney: “I’m definitely not smug.”
And Monday’s EastEnders, Eve: “It was Italy/Argentina last night and it was epic.”
Because it was that morning and it was absolutely bloody wretched.
Great sporting insights
DAVID Croft: “Bottas was fighting this particular battle with one wheel tied behind his back.”
Ricky Ponting: “It wasn’t a mistake, more of an error.”
Steph Houghton: “It definitely wasn’t maybe a penalty.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Lookalike of the week
This week’s winner is Nigel Farage, who is owed a grovelling apology on tonight’s Last Leg (Re: Coutts) and the Frog from Meet The Robinsons (Emailed in by Connor David)
THIS week’s winner is Nigel Farage, who is owed a grovelling apology on tonight’s Last Leg (Re: Coutts) and the Frog from Meet The Robinsons.
Emailed in by Connor David.
QUIZ ANSWERS: 1, B. 2, C. 3, C. 4, C. 5, B. 6, A. 7, A. 8, B. 9, A. 10, B. 11, C. 12, C. 13, B. 14, A. 15, B.
